Heart-shaped Bruises
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I've been thinking about the issues of sacrificial love, a lot lately. not so much sacrificing.. more of people leaving things, people, situations behind, so that that people you love can be happy. (or so you think)
About the rights and wrongs, who's to blame.. and basically the logic behind it all.
Some do it so that problems will be resolved, other do it cause it is important and the only rational thing to do.
Some are forced out of immense love, others are simply left with no choice but to 'get the heck out'.
The rest genuinely feel that it would be so much better to leave and let their love be. But they will always be waiting in the wings for the return of that lost love. Hopeful.. Waiting..
It's quite a paradox, really. Because sacrificing may not be a selfless act. It's contradictory, the way I put it. What the heck do you mean?! Sacrificing, in every sense of the word is to be selfless!
But what if, this sacrifice is a disguise of denial. To deny yourself of the thing you want most, so that you can feel the pain that would eventually numb all else. So that you can claim to be magnanimous enough to let go. Or so you make yourself think.
Putting it that way, the act of letting go.. well, is really just an act. Because you will never truly be able to give up and move on. You'll always re-visit that place, no matter the circumstance of your current life, be it content or otherwise.
And I'm not saying that one should cling on with their life to the other party. Like a leech to a clot of blood.
Isn't it better to let it go and move on? I know it is easier said than done. But it's possible. Instead of pretending.. just really take time to let reality sink in, grieve over it, then give up and live your life.
I just cannot understand why people do it. Abusing themselves this way. Inflicting heart-shaped bruises on themselves.
Frankly, I think it's plain dumb.
But on deeper meditation, I cannot help but be convinced by their logic (whether it is right or not, is highly debatable). Slowly, I begin to see the sense of it all.
The cut is just too deep to heal properly anymore. Even if the divided flesh welds together in the process of recovery, it will never be in the same perfect condition.
The scar will never fade. A reminder of that chapter. Like a bookmark sticking out of a book. A bookmark placed there permanently. Intentionally.
Try as you might, that part of your life has irrevocably altered your course. And there is no going back, because a life without that 'lost' is not a life at all.
So, in order to get a semblance of a normal life, you act like you've gotten over it. You hang out with your friends like before. You laugh, you have fun. You even have the strength to pucker up enough courage to consider the possibility of starting out with another person.
Until you're all alone and your mind starts to wonder off to that place, again.
Nothing changed, even though you left. Your feelings are still intact and as overwhelming as ever, if not more.
And you'll always be waiting for the possibility of reconciliation. You'll always be there, in times of need and desperation. You don't even care if you're a tool, just as long as there's a possibility.
You wait. While heart-shaped bruises slowly form.
Either I've lost my mind, or I've been exposed to too much drama.
I bet it's the latter. I hope it's the latter, at least.
I wonder... Are our lives really as dramatic as all the TV series make out to be? Because it certainly seems to be like that these days.
Are we encouraged to live like how it is being portrayed? The sensationalized life. Or are our lives the real inspiration behind all the storyboards of hit series?
Yup, definitely been exposed to too much of these emo stuff. Immersing myself in in the 'Twilight' saga (now on 'Breaking Dawn') totally. Sharing, no, more like listening and then analyzing, really personal and sensitive details of life with a new friend.
Mostly the latter, again. And then intensified by Jacob and Edward.
Ah.. the irresistibly charming mythical creatures, in their own sick ways. Sick, the way they give it all for Bella.. it's way pass cheesy now. It's unfathomable. But still strangely enticing.
Tsk..! I think I'm living my life backwards. Like Benjamin Button. being the adult for most of my childhood and teenage years.. now my mind finally transforms back to its proper age. When one is sprouting nonsense and dwelling too much on nothing. When one can afford to day-dream and be ridiculous.
Ironic. Now that I'm left with barely half a year to before I leave the teens.
The initial idea of the entry was to explore the realm of Blame. About how it is so human to point your finger to another. Then being able to sleep at night with all that invisible guilt. But I seriously have no idea how it became all this. Like I said... too much drama.. Not in my life.. but people I know.
Welps, there's nothing much to update about my life. Except that I cut my hair.. and everybody hates my bangs. It's too short, I know.. but it will grow out and be okay.
I hate counting down.. But now, there's barely over 3 weeks left!
12:38:00 PM
That 'lil twerp
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Deb (me): [singing along to the stereo] try to leave the light on when I'm gone~
Becky (said twerp): Waste electricity leh!
Then give me this kind of smile, after which..
Tsk!
You know, as irritating as she is. I don't think I can survive a week without my little sister.
This is all coming from the bottom of my heart...
The reality dawned on me while I was having my weekly emo-session earlier today.
If I'm already missing her after 2 days of absence/annoying the hell out of me (cause she's having this sec3 camp), how the heck am I going to make it down in Oz for 5 long months?!
She is a lot of things.. (oh, I can name a few.. damn annoying, immature and spoilt and annoying.. did I mention annoying?)
But her everything else outweighs whatever annoys me.
Every time I have sometime against the world, she patiently hears me out... while I continue to rant and rave and snap at everything around me.
When I'm upset and emo-ing, she's like one of the few people who would leave me be, and then bring it up after a while and ask about it. Cause she knows I need to release and talk about my issues.
I can only weep as freely and as hysterically as I like in front of her. I'm not ashamed to show her my weak side. But her only.
I may say that she's immature.. but, through her actions, she assures me every now and then that she's growing a litte, bit by bit, each day. And man, I was so touched when she told me about how I impacted her life! Of course I didn't show my true feelings, in front of her then. Still... I know she knows that I'm glad.
And she's like the only person I can totally let loose and be crazy around! Trust me... I can get preeetty insane. I bet she's the only one who will understand my state of mind (or lack thereof) and bear with all my weird-ness. Because she has those exact same moments and I bear with it. Sometimes we induce each other's moments.
Oh man! I'm so going to miss belting out Britney and Disney tunes with her! And and... dancing to Hot 'n Cold and Hairspray soundtracks... and bickering in our baby voices.. and talking for hours before we doze off, even though it might be muttering crazy crap and making up stupid stories and day-dreaming of our future.
I may claim that I cannot stand sleeping with her, cause she takes up 3/4 of the bed and her stuff always end up on my side and she'd be kicking throughout the night, but I really like how close we've become the past year, cause of that.
Becky Ng!
I'm so going to miss you. Like seriously. Cross my heart and hope to die.
But I know that my going away will do much good to her. I know that she'll be forced to grow up more rapidly. Hopefully, she grows in the right way.. become more sensible and less dependent on people.
How apt, this is. Exactly a month before it all begins.
Meh.
11:21:00 PM
Seriously...
Yes... Honestly.
One would know that their social life is at a seriously dire state when one's parents call one up for a night out. Of clubbing, no less!
Meh.
What the heck, okay!
My parents have more life than me!
Anyhow, I went ahead with their request after work.. and it was a night of madness.
Just imagine, grooving with your dad and drinking with your mom.
I must have been out of my mind to agree with them. It was good fun, nonetheless.
A tad weird though. Does this mean that I'm really 90 as I claim to be?
I'm beyond working class age?! And I can actually relate to middle-aged ppl?!
I don't want!
Bah, there's no denying how old I really am.
The crazy and totally endearing folks.
Yeah, you do your thang!
Tsk Tsk.. Spying on pole dancers below???!! (they were actually dancing LIVE on the balcony above and it's projected to the audience on the first floor through the mega huge screen)
I guess we can only do this while becky is away at some random camp.. and none of us have to worry about her.
Meow~
I'm too stoned to think about what else to say.
Stay tuned!
2:10:00 AM
Then give me this kind of smile, after which..
Yeah, you do your thang!
Tsk Tsk.. Spying on pole dancers below???!! (they were actually dancing LIVE on the balcony above and it's projected to the audience on the first floor through the mega huge screen)
I guess we can only do this while becky is away at some random camp.. and none of us have to worry about her.